- Okay, so let me get this straight.
You're saying you were on Hampstead Heath at 23:07,
alone,
walking your dog.
- That is correct.
- And, for no reason, you were attacked?
- Yep.
- But you don't want to press charges?
- just don't want the bother,
and he'll be long gone by now.
- Did you see your assailant?
- Only the back of his head.
As he was running away.
- Okay, well now that's all cleared up,
I'm assuming we're free to leave.
- Thank you, Robyn.
I didn't know who else to call.
- That's all right.
What am I supposed to do with this?
- Feed it twice a day, take it for nice long walks,
treat it to the occasional bone.
-But I don't want a dog.
- If you'd like to go back in there
and change your statement, you're more than welcome.
Allright, his name's Lumpy,
and you might wanna get that eye looked at.
- Come on, Lumpy.
- It's my birthday and I'm going to party.
Ow!
Sorry, Teddy's getting really bitey.
Honestly, my nipples are a mess.
You know those machines they have at the pier,
the ones that flatten pennies?
Feels like my nipples
have gone through one of those machines.
Don't laugh, I'm not kidding.
-I'm sorry.
- Seriously.
Now, enjoy your titties while they're yours.
These days, mine are either juice boxes for the kids,
or Mark is grabbing at them like he's testing avocados.
Speaking of which, how's that going,
are you guys still trying?
Sorry, was that a bad thing to say?
-No, not at all.
Yes, we're trying, it's just taking a while.
- Honestly, that is for the best.
I'm not kidding.
Mark barely had to breathe on my vagina and I was pregnant.
I'm not complaining,
but, you know, like, a warning shot would've been nice.
Fertile son of a, ow, goddammit.
I'have got to put the baby down now,
do you want me to call you back?
-No, go,
sleep, I love you. - Love you, bye.
Ow, fuck.
Turn the light on, babe.
- Sorry.
How's your night?
- Fantastic, tramp took a shit in a corridor.
- Dirty protest?
- The word protest is a bit sophisticated for what I saw.
I brought this back.
Might go in and get checked, you know?
Rule things out.
Have a read.
Interesting moment at work today.
- Oh yeah?
- Tabitha, the new junior nursing assistant,
tried to have sex with me.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Mmhmm, and I know what you're thinking,
but she's not fat or hairy or mentally ll,
she's actually pretty fit,
looks like a slightly less toothy Billie Piper.
- Okay.
- Yeah, proper pass,
asked me for a lift home and everything.
It was a slam dunk.
- Great, what did you do?
- Fucked her.
I'm kidding, told her I have a lovely girlfriend
waiting for me at home, of course.
- Great story.
- Someone jealous?
- Just not sure why you're telling me.
- I thought it was funny.
Don't you wanna know how desirable your boyfriend is?
- Not really, do you wanna know about
all the men who try to fuck me?
- Wow, Christ, okay, dunno what's got up your arse.
- Just not sure what point you're making.
Do you want a medal for not cheating on me?
-No, of course not, I just...
okay, sorry if I misjudged it,
wasn't meant to be a big deal.
- Then why'd you tell me?
- I dunno, it's just, it was on my mind
and I thought it was...
Know what, forget it, forget it, it's just,
forgive me for sharing.
- Ha, you came back.
- You noticed.
- Huh, I dunno if it was the coke
or your Uber driver ruining Simon's hand job story,
but wow, you definitely made an impression.
- Yeah, I feel awful about that.
- Oh, don't, he's got a million stories like that.
Last week he was telling us
one about getting rimmed in Nando's by a postman.
Absolute classic, guy's been married 11 years.
- You want a drag?
- No.
Yeah, trying to quit.
Ah, Vogues, classy.
Makes me feel like a fat-fingered Audrey Hepburn.
Oh god.
I'm Tom, by the way. - Robyn.
- Like the superhero? - Sidekick.
Robin's not a superhero, he's a sidekick.
But I'm plenty happy being in the background.
- So hard when you start these things.
Everyone's got more hours than you.
I remember feeling like I joined a cult
and they were gonna ask me to marry my sister.
It gets better though, I promise.
- Hm, can't wait.
How long you been in the rooms?
- Three years.
- Wow.
- Yeah, wish I could say it was easy.
I mean, some days you feel like you licked it,
and other days it just, bang,
it just kicks you in the bollocks like an angry mule.
Or lady bollocks, in your case.
Anyway, we should head inside.
Um, stick at it.
I dunno if you've got a sponsor,
but if you ever wanna talk about your recovery,
or anything else for that matter.
-So, I found out a guy I went to school with is trans.
Has this happened to any of you?
It's pretty confusing,
‘cause obviously now I know that he is a she,
but what about when I'm talking about my past.
Like, is it he before a certain time,
or is it, like, a cut-off point?
Sorry, bad choice of words.
No, to do something like that, it takes balls.
That's a funny line.
- Sorry, have I just walked into
a working men's club from the '80s?
Excuse me.
- I appreciate that someone having to undergo
intensive and invasive gender-reassignment surgery
must've been very difficult for you.
- That's not quite the point I was making.
- I mean, yeah, they had to find over 20 grand
for the treatment,
but you're confused about which pronouns to use.
- Yeah, all right, sit back down love,
‘cause people here have come for some comedy.
Yeah, when's that gonna start, eh?
- You're lucky there's not a dick under there anymore
or I'd knock you on your arse.
Come on, how was I supposed to know
there's a trans comedian in the audience?
I mean, what are the chances of that happening?
- Well, she was on the line-up,
so I'd say pretty fucking high.
- Well, I don't even know who Allie Gregs is.
- Well, neither did I, but now I do,
and so does the whole of Twitter.
- Oh, come on, it wasn't even that offensive.
I was being ironic.
How was it ironic?
- Because
I'm not trans.
- Live Nation is threatening to pull the whole tour.
- 147,000 hits.
- That is not a good thing.
- I thought there was no such thing as bad publicity.
- If one more person throws that bullshit at me,
just have a conversation with Kevin Spacey
and he can fill you in.
- Come on, we talked about this,
you said try a bit more edgy material,
be a bit more risque, it'll play well with young people.
- I meant throw in a joke about ISIS,
not offend an entire community of people.
- You don't think she's being a tiny bit sensitive?
- You know the most damaging thing about this tape
is that she's being funnier than you.
- Hey, I resent that.
That is new material, I'm running that in.
That is not gonna be perfect.
- Enough.
Go bathe and put some pants on.
We've got work to do.
- Trousers.
- Okay, so we're going for full mea culpa, egg on face,
hig apologies, kissing trans babies, the works.
- Trans babies?
- Isn't this the man who got kicked out of the comedy awards
for dipping his balls in the head of BBC Comedy's prosecco?
Not sure humility is his strong point.
- Melody, I need you to get in touch with Allie Gregs,
she's not gonna wanna talk to you,
but do whatever it takes.
We need to contain this.
Earth to Melody. - Yes, got it.
- Ooh, Tom, kiss.
Anyone nice?
- Oh, no, it's just a guy NA.
It's not, he was offering to be my sponsor.
- Bet he was.
God, I love damaged men, is he cute?
- Haven't really thought about it.
- Yeah, well, whatever.
Well, enjoy sponsoring his brains out.
- Maybe I should set up the two of you.
- Mm, last time I went on a blind date,
I ended up climbing out of a window at Sexy Fish.
- Seriously, he's hot.
- Oh, he's hot now, is he?
Thought you hadn't thought about it.
Shut up.
- Do you wanna fuck him with my vagina, is that it?
- Don't be a dick.
- Look, if you need me to have sex with him
so that you don't have to, just have to ask.
- Celina Pope's been spotted without her bump.
- Yep, got it. - Christ.
- When it rains, everyone's an idiotic twat.
Right, I'll deal with Proctorgate.
I need some transgender celebs
who'll agree to be friends with Dan Proctor.
- I can only think of Caitlyn Jenner
and that lady that won Big Brother.
- Definitely start with Big Brother.
Taxi.
Hello?
- Hi, are we still on for tonight?
- Of course.
- Good, 'cause I am gonna get effed up.
Mummy, higher.
- Mummy's on the phone, bubba.
- Are you absolutely sure
you don't wanna spend your hirthday with Mark?
- Spend every night of my life with Mark.
For once, he can look after his children
while Mummy gets her party on.
Mummy.
- Okay.
Oh my god, I cannot tell you how excited I am for tonight.
I feel like it has been ages
since I've had a proper night out.
You better get ready,
because Mummy is going to bring the thunder.
- Okay, but you will stop
referring to yourself as Mummy this evening, right,
‘cause it's kind of weirding me out.
- Yes, that is noted.
- I'll see you later. - Love you.
- Higher, put your back into it, woman.
- What part of wear it at all times confused you?
- I needed soya.
I popped out for, like, five seconds.
How was I supposed to know there was a paparazzi
hiding behind my neighbor's fucking Qashqai?
- You're supposed to be 8 1/2 months pregnant.
You cannot leave the house without your fucking baby.
- I forgot. - You forgot?
How many times have we been through this?
Nine months, nine bumps.
I even numbered them for you.
- Look, this is really hard.
- No, Celina, having an actual baby is hard.
This is shoving a cushion up your jumper.
- Stop shouting.
Look, why don't we just say I lost the baby?
- Ah, excuse me,
and what exactly would you like me to do with this?
- Christ, I don't know.
I'm just trying a little hit of blue sky thinking.
Can we just get it taken out early?
- Well, maybe next time you could have your own bloody baby.
- Okay, we've been through this.
I'have got a hostile womb,
and a very busy schedule.
Also, I don't want my vagina ripped to my arsehole,
is that okay with you?
That is what I'm paying her for.
Sorry, Rose.
- When was the last time
you were photographed with the bump?
- Oh, the talk on body confidence
for International Women's Day.
Maybe 10 days ago.
- That's when you had the baby, that night.
It came early, and since then,
you've been working hard to drop the baby weight.
- She's obviously been working really fucking hard.
- Yeah, but what about the baby?
We don't have a baby.
- We will just have to borrow one
until the actual baby arrives.
Borrow one?
When the baby's born,
its date of birth will be on its birth certificate,
it won't match.
- That, we can deal with.
According to Wikipedia, she's 29.
- Oh great, hi guys, thank you so much for doing this.
This is Dan.
- Who are these people?
- Dan, this is James and Koko,
and they're from an organisation called Trans Educate,
and they've very kindly agreed to come here today
to educate you about your ignorance.
- Seriously? - Okay, don't look,
but there's a photographer with along lens just over there.
You're just having casual lunch
with your casual trans friends,
just showing how casually not transphobic you are, okay?
All'you have to do is talk to them and not be a bigot.
Can you do that?
Dan Proctor, yes.
- Hi.
Hiya, you Allie Gregs?
- Who are you?
- My name's Melody, I work for Dan Proctor's PR company.
I was just wondering if we could have a chat.
Ballbags.
Oh god.
Yep? - How's it going?
- Um, not great.
- I need someone who's had a baby in the last six weeks.
Oh, hang on,
Eve's calling, let me see if I can patch her through.
- I need a baby.
- Same thing happened to my friend,
literally the day she hit 30.
-No, I need to borrow one.
- Oh, what about Cheryll from accounts?
She had her baby like a week ago.
- Which one's Cheryll? - Red hair.
She's married to lan with the beard.
- You said she looked like the love child
of Ed Sheeran and a coconut.
Oh.
Cheryll, was she pregnant?
- Only for nine months.
Melody, can you text me her address?
- Mmhmm.
- Eve, how's it going on your end?
- All good.
Operation Some Of My Best Friends Are Black is a go.
- Itis so nice of you to come and visit me.
- Of course, all the girls and I were talking about you
in the office this morning.
- That is just so sweet.
No offence, but I didn't even know if you knew who I was.
We often feel a bit left out down in accounts.
- Don't be ridiculous.
What's her name?
It's Ivy.
- That's beautiful. - Want to hold her?
- Oh, um, I-
- 1 could really do with peeing.
- Okay.
- Oh.
You can have a mussy
so she's not sick on your dress.
- Mmm.
What's up, shorty?
Yeah,
I feel the same way.
Hey you.
You're a natural.
- Oh.
Shh.
Cheryll, how do you fancy getting out of the house today?
- Yeah.
- Make a terrible spy, you know?
- Please can I just explain a minute?
- I have an interview with Abigail Reese at 2 p.m.
I'm not speaking to anyone else,
especially not Dan dickhead Proctor's PR.
- Please?
I'm the new girl in the office,
I've only just moved to London and I hardly know anyone.
I'm barely even getting paid
so they already think
I'm some kind of wide-eyed country bumpkin,
and this is the first proper job
they've actually given me to do, so,
I can't mess it up,
‘cause then they'll find out I'm a total loser.
Please, I just, I just want them to like me.
- Did you seriously just give a speech
about not fitting in to a trans woman?
Jesus, is there nothing you people won't stoop to?
- Oh, tits.
- Bit stagey.
Creepy.
Serial killer.
Okay, no, we're going for natural humility.
- Look, I was just saying that I knew him,
that I knew her as a man, so it's confusing
knowing what to call them now.
- Are you married?
- Yeah.
What was your wife's name before you were married?
- Sarah.
Barker, Sarah Barker.
- So, how on Earth do you get your head around the fact
that you now have to call her Sarah Proctor?
Christ, must be so confusing for you.
- You're Dan Proctor. - Sorry?
- You're Dan Proctor. -No, I'm not.
- Oh, come on mate, you're great.
I love that bit you do about Popeye wanking.
It's sick.
- 1 used to do this whole routine
about Popeye having much larger forearms than,
it's actually a lot cleverer than he's...
- Mate, can I get a picture?
- Not now mate, yeah?
- Oh, come on, don't be a dick about it.
- Come on, you, you can see that
I'm just having a drink with my friends.
Can you just turn that, put that camera off?
- Now, stop it now.
Don't shoot this, don't shoot this.
- Ah, why is there a photographer there?
- Oh, no, no, no, he's not with us.
- Is this a set up?
- Mate, you are unbelievable.
- No, no, wait, wait.
You're a fucking dinosaur.
- And I've seen your Popeye routine, it's shit.
Why is there a baby in reception?
- We borrowed it.
For Celina Pope.
OK is doing the announcements.
- Allie Gregs.
- I tried talking to her, but she's not interested.
She is meeting Abigail Reese
at the Dean Street Hotel at two.
- You know Reese, don't you, Robyn?
-No, I used to know her a bit, but haven't...
- Dan Proctor. - Right, Dan Proctor.
You have 11 seconds.
- Not great.
His Twitter feed is exploding with LGBTQ activists
calling for his tour to be pulled,
Live Nation are shitting themselves.
The video's already made it to all major news outlets
and is already up on several websites,
and he just got slapped round the face
by a sassy trans activist.
- I spoke to Nadia from Big Brother 5, and she...
- We could play the ignorance,
just get Channel 5 to make a documentary where he's
- Well, maybe if we dig deeper into his family life,
we can find... - Stop, Christ.
It's like being slowly stung to death by incompetent wasps.
There's blood in the water.
Stop flapping around like a bunch of epileptic penguins
and take control.
Here's what we're going to do.
- Yeah? - Allie Gregs, 10 o'clock.
- What the hell does 10 o'clock mean?
- Behind you, look left.
She's coming your way now, she's coming in.
- Oh, I'm so sorry, so sorry.
- Oh my god, are you Allie Gregs?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- I saw your show in Edinburgh.
- Oh, really?
- This is crazy, I just think you're so brilliant.
I'm Eve, by the way.
Oh.
- It's just like the coolest office.
Well.
Reese.
- Robyn, hi.
- It's good to see you.
- Same, what you doing here?
- Just work, you?
- I'm here to meet,
I'm not meeting Allie Gregs, am I?
Christ, how do you people creep in so quick?
I take it you're looking after Dan Proctor these days.
Why don't we grab a drink?
- Oh, yes, hello, is it Reese?
- Not exactly.
Um, shall we get a drink?
- Yep.
- Three Edinburgh festivals, 80-seater, 80-seater,
120-seater, regular slots at London clubs,
average capacity between 200, 300,
modest regional touring circuit.
- What's your point?
- My point is, you're funny, you have something to say.
Unfortunately, right now, no one is hearing you say it.
Dan Proctor plays to more people in one night
than you have played to throughout
the entire four years of your career.
- He won't when I'm finished with him.
Do you really think so?
- That video's been up 24 hours,
it's already been watched by nearly a million people.
- Have you read all the comments?
A biting interview with Abigail Reese
tearing Mr. Proctor to shreds would be fun and fair,
but it's not going to change things.
The same people will still be sitting in the same pubs
saying they don't see what all the fuss is about.
You don't change opinions
by talking to the nodding dog Guardian readers
who already agree with you.
You change them by pissing in the mainstream.
- How exactly do I do that?
- Okay.
Entitled, chauvinistic ballbag
picks fight he can't win with unknown trans comedian, or...
- Looking forward to this.
- The perfect PR stunt.
- Excuse me?
- Think about it.
Dan Proctor is about to announce his biggest tour ever,
18 dates, four at the 02.
You said it yourself,
no one talks about Dan Proctor anymore.
He's middle of the road, mainstream, not an edge in sight.
But.
- If Dan Proctor were to be supported on that tour
by the most dynamic and exciting comedian on the circuit,
who just so happens to be trans,
now, that's an interesting story.
Not to mention an extraordinary platform
for such a vocal ambassador of the trans community
as yourself.
- If that were the case,
then staging a fight with that comedian,
a fight that actively holds up a mirror to the ignorance
that trans people face every single day.
- A fight that accidentally got leaked
to nearly a million people.
- Well, that might just be a stroke of genius.
- Okay, I see where you're going here, but why the...
- Fuck would I even consider sharing a stage
with that prick?
I'm not being funny, but if you want me to eat that shit,
you need to at least give me a spoon.
- Dan's management have agreed
to give 10% of the profits to Stonewall,
as well as mentioning them in all publicity.
He's one of the best-known comedians in the U.K.,
12 million Twitter followers.
- You think people would actually believe it?
- They will if they're given
an exclusive by a credible journalist,
particularly if that credible journalist happens to be
a heavy influencer in the LGBTQ community.
Wouldn't it be fun to be the one journalist
who actually got the joke?
- Okay, okay, I get it.
It's a great platform,
you're all crusaders for the cause and all that,
that's grand.
Let's cut the crap, shall we?
How much?
- 45 minutes of material, 50% of the box office.
The 02's not exactly small.
- Stonewall's 10% comes out of his cut.
- Okay. - Plus, you represent me free.
- For the first six months. -12.
- Eight.
- Deal.
- Nice doing business with you.
- And he's agreed to all this?
- Course he has.
- 50%?
- It's actually 40, when you factor in Stonewall.
- Not to mention our fee.
- Well, it's madness.
Whatever happened to freedom of speech?
What, the PC patrol get to dictate
what I can and can't talk about now, do they?
- Dan, I think you can talk about whatever you like.
You just have to be funny.
Belle, get Mr. Proctor here a glass of fizzy water,
and stick a little gin in it, thanks.
- Do you think my Popeye routine's shit?
Yeah, absolute.
- Ooh, och.
- That's lovely, that's lovely.
It's all lovely, it's great.
Yeah, get some more of those, fantastic.
- Um, sorry, just, um.
Shh.
It's, it's ginger, is that a problem?
- Lots of babies are born with ginger hair,
most lose it in the first year.
- 1 did not know that..
- Mmhmm. - Huh.
Nice big smile, very nice.
- So, what do you do?
- I'm the mother of the real baby, you?
Um, I suppose I'm the mother of the fake baby.
- All set with Allie?
-May 1? - Yeah.
- So, how's, um, Sam?
- He's great.
- We must stop meeting like this.
- How's tricks?
Tricks are good.
Maybe we should get a drink later, old time's sake.
- I don't think so.
- Now, what was it you always used to say?
Girls don't count. - Reese.
- Oh, come on, don't tell me you're no fun anymore,
of all people.
- The reason I don't wanna fuck you
is not ‘cause I'm not fun, it's ‘cause you're a cunt.
Now, please take your hand off my ass.
- There's my girl.
- Christ, I cannot wait to get shmammered tonight.
Reese. - Eve, how are ya?
- Oh, you know, kicking arse, taking names, you?
- Great.
Nice to see you.
- What? - Nothing.
- Oh. - A bit awkward.
- Mm, it's fine, ancient history.
- I hate bumping into post-shags.
I once went to a dinner party and got stuck opposite a guy
I'd spent an hour tromboning the weekend before.
Kept getting combat flashbacks.
May I ponce? - Feel free.
-Ohmy god.
- Oh, no, no, no, it's not...
- Shut the front door, that's amazing.
- Really? - Christ, yes.
It's terrifying, mental, and amazing.
It's times like this I wish my tear ducts worked.
- This is not the response I expected.
- Why not?
It'd be a travesty not to continue your gene pool.
Love a mini you hanging around.
We could dress it in freebies
and use it to get good parking spaces.
Just make sure it's not a boy.
- Look, don't get too excited.
It may not even be a possibility.
I've not exactly looked after myself these years.
- Look babe, Sam's amazing.
He's like a grown-up,
but a grown-up you want to hang out with.
Just promise me you won't leave me, buy a Land Rover,
and move to some god-forsaken hamlet
wearing nothing but wellies
and clothes with human waste on them.
- If it happens, and that is a great big if,
I will be back here within a week
with that thing hanging off my tit.
- Promise?
- Promise.
- Might not want to touch it much, so don't be offended.
- Hi. - Hey.
You still up for tonight? - Yeah, of course.
- Amazing, I thought we could go to this place
my mate was telling me about.
They only do hotdogs,
and then for pudding, you have a hotdog as well,
but it's made out of ice cream.
- That sounds brilliant.
- I know, and apparently, instead of ketchup, you get this.
- Melody, will you chase up that copy
for the OK announcement?
- Yeah, of course, I'll do that right away.
- Why are you being weird?
Have you farted?
- Yep.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Um, you were saying about ketchup?
- Oh, oh, er, it's strawberry sauce.
- That sounds excellent.
Okay, um, you can text me the address
and I'll meet you there.
Okay, bye.
- This better be worth it.
This is not the sort of underwear you wear
if nobody's going to see it.
If it doesn't work out,
I'l just have to flash the minicab driver on the way home.
- Oh shit, sorry,
keep forgetting about the whole,
just to calm the nerves. - It's fine.
- 0i, oi, here we are.
- Hi beautiful, happy birthday.
You remember Eve. - Ido.
Oh my God, you look stunning.
God, if I wore that, I would look like a baby in a binbag,
but you look fantastic.
- Actually, I was going for sushi roll.
- Hey babe, happy birthday.
- Oh my god, it's gorgeous.
- I saw you eyeing up that woman's
when we were at lunch a couple of weeks ago,
and I thought the colour would go great
with that new coat you bought.
- Oh, it's perfect.
It's a freebie. - Yeah.
- No, its fine, honestly, i would have beaten the crap out of you
if you'd spent that much money on a handbag
Allright, Jagerbombs, come on.
Who's with me?
Nice to see you outside of a church function room.
You look great. - Oh, this old thing?
- Can I get a coke, please?
Wow, this is not exactly how my sponsorships
usually pan out.
- More fun though, right?
- Yeah, yeah, I think so.
I've never been on a blind date before.
Oh, how did you know I was single,
or was I just rocking the whole sad,
desperate, heartbroken vibe?
-No, no, not at all.
That's a relief.
- Sorry to hear that you had your heart broken.
- Oh, it'll fix, right?
That's what I'm assured.
- Recent?
- Fairly, bit messy, so I'm, you know, in chaos.
- I think I'm familiar with that place.
How did... - She screwed someone else.
Yeah, so that was good.
- Hey, leave her alone, she's mine.
- Oh, this is Ruth.
Ruth, wow, it's, it's.
Robyn said you were a very sexy lady.
- Did she now? - No, this is my sister.
That was Eve I was talking about.
- Brilliant, cheers, Eve's taking a piss,
but it's nice to meet you, anyway.
It's my birthday. - Oh, happy birthday.
- Mmm.
I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were coming,
I didn't get you any Jagerbombs.
- Hey, you know what, that is, that is quite all right.
But listen, why don't I get the next round in?
What do you want, same again?
Okay.
- He seems nice. - He's here for Eve.
- Don't get your knickers in a twist.
I just did some coke. - What?
- Yeah, Eve had some in her little thing.
Those are good, aren't they?
- Jesus, Ruth.
- Oh, don't be all holier than thou
just because you are off of it for the millionth time.
It's my birthday.
- It's your birthday.
Don't tell Tom. - Right, whose round?
- Tom is getting us some drinks.
- Oh, he's here, is he?
Is he a freak? - He seems really nice.
-He is really nice,
and you guys need to calm the fuck down
and stop acting like the witches of Eastwick,
or he's gonna think we're all a bunch of crazies.
- Hey, what do you care?
- Okay, so, in the spirit of mixing drinks,
I thought I'd get you tequilas.
- Woo, woo.
- Tom, this is Eve. - Oh, Eve.
- I don't actually drink tequila,
do you mind getting me something else?
- Yeah, no.
Ah, yeah, what, Jagerbomb?
Jagerbomb it is, I'll get that.
- Since when do you not like tequila?
- I'm negging him, all part of the strat.
- This is fun.
- Wow, this place is wicked.
- Yeah, heard some of the girls talking about it at work,
and apparently they serve a cocktail here
that's, like, got an actual goldfish in it.
- Sick.
Yeah.
Och, having such a fun night.
Really?
- Mmhmm.
- Oh god, I was so nervous when I asked you out.
I've never really been out
with one of the office girls before.
They don't really talk to me,
just give me dirty looks
when I'm replacing the printer paper.
- Oh my god. - What?
- Sorry, just like...
I've just, I've just, like, bitten my tongue.
- Sorry. - Oh.
- Carry on.
- So, you guys met at the drugs thing?
- Eve.
- Oh, sorry, sorry, is that supposed to be a secret?
- No, the name Narcotics Anonymous is just ironic.
Why don't we talk about something else?
- Tom, what's your story?
- My story?
- Banker, lost loads of money, couldn't hack it?
- Not quite, I was a dancer
at the English National Ballet for 11 years.
I started taking the coke to keep my energy up,
keep the weight off.
Then I busted my ankle, couldn't dance anymore,
so left the company, but I didn't leave the coke.
And it got to the stage where I realised
I needed to stop doing it
‘cause it turned me into a massive dick.
- So, you were a ballet dancer?
That's hilarious, I knew you had a bit of gay in you.
Speaking of which, I'm going for a fag, anyone else?
- No thanks, I'm good.
You see, you're not what I imagined a PR girl to be.
She is exactly what I imagined a PR girl to be.
- She's all right underneath, she's just nervous.
- 0i, you.
I want tequila.
It makes me happy.
- Thing is, I get so nervous
and all this crazy stuff comes out,
‘cause I'm bricking it and my mouth just starts,
you know, chat, chat, chatting.
- Oh my god.
- What, you bite your tongue again?
Wow.
-I'm sorry.
Um,
would you like to go somewhere else?
- Sounds great. - Great.
- This is Kelly, she's so clever.
She's awesome.
- Hey. - It's me.
Have you seen the Guardian Online?
- Congratulations, you just reversed back up a cliff.
- Yeah, it's a bit like when I had a colonoscopy.
I' know I should've thanked the doctor,
but all I wanted to do was punch him in the face.
- You're welcome, Dan.
- Middle-aged comedian.
172,000 words in the English language,
and that's my adjective, is it?
- We'll speak soon.
- No, no, no, no.
Hey, no work tonight please.
- Okay, so if I told you I' had some coke in my bag,
could I tempt you?
- Oh yeah, you could certainly tempt me.
I think that would be a strange thing to do
to a recovering drug addict.
- Drug addict?
Sounds exciting. - Really.
- What are you doing? - What do you mean?
- I don't know.
I can't figure out if you're trying to be cool or sexy,
or if you're just a massive tit.
I mean, look at you, you're wearing stockings.
This isn't Mad Men, it's a Wednesday night.
Your underwear probably cost more
than a mini break to Budapest.
Don't get me wrong, you look hot,
but Budapest is a beautiful city.
And as for this, do you really think I care?
I stopped being impressed by people taking drugs
when I was 14,
and Duncan Goodman got so high
he started seeing ghosts in a kebab shop
and shat his Fred Perry jeans.
Yes, okay, I did a lot of cocaine.
No, I don't do it anymore.
Now, can we please move on
before I take one of your stupidly high-heeled shoes
and stab myself in the eye just to stop your banter?
I'm sorry, that was a little bit.
I'l, er, go.
- You have to come with me.
What?
- Mm, me, come with me, now.
Just get in there. - Right, we're in here.
How you doing?
Fucking hell.
Ouch, ouch, fucking hell.
- I want you to fuck me.
- Okay.
- Don't you want this?
And this?
And this? - Oh.
Yeah, why are you acting like
you're in a chocolate mousse advert?
- Oh, fuck, I want you to destroy me.
- Okay, I mean, that sounds great,
but we're in a disabled toilet.
- I know.
- Look, there's a bar on the wall
for people getting in and out of wheelchairs.
Wheelchairs.
- There's one of those pulley things
for if you have an accident.
Uh-huh.
- Why don't you come back to my nice comfy flat,
we'll stick some music on.
Stick it on.
- And then we can think about destroying each other, okay?
- Okay. - All right.
- Oh my god, I wish I could do this every fucking day.
- Believe me, you don't.
- Yes I fucking do.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
Hey.
Sorry, I'm just really fucking drunk.
- Shh.
- I need another drink.
- Allright, I'll get you one.
Hey, hey.
Get off her, she's got two kids at home, you little sleaze.
Oh.
Allright, all right, come on.
Come on.
Just great.
Really.
Just great.
I want popcorn.
- All right, all right, come on.
And up.
Okay, just.
Hold on.
Yep, come on.
Feet.
Up.
- The hell's going on?
- She's feeling a little rough.
- I can speak for myself.
I'm feeling a little rough.
- Jesus, Ruth, what's wrong with you?
- Oh, eff off.
- Oh, that's nice, that's really nice.
- 1 am here every day, I am looking after them.
Mummy?
- Oh, hey baby, hey.
Didn't Mum...
- Is Mummy sick?
- Mummy's just feeling a little poorly, sweetheart.
Come on, let's get you back to bed.
I want Mummy.
Yeah, well, she's making silly noises.
- I want Mummy.
I'm 20-fucking-9.
♪ It's been a year and a day ♪
♪ Since you fell in love ♪
♪ Wish you never went that way ♪
♪ Still hear your voice inside of every sound ♪
♪ 1 don't know how to sleep ♪
♪ You'll forever be for holding me ♪
♪ You were mine to keep ♪
♪ But you'll forever be the hole in me ♪
♪ Forever be the hole in me ♪